When a relationship goes bad


Sometimes when we are in relationships we look only at what the other person is doing to irritate us. Are they unfair or unloving? What is unloving? How are they being unfair, and to whom are they being unfair. How did it begin? Was it always this way, or has something changed? This is the tenth time this month your partner tells you he is working late. It wouldn’t bug you so much but you know full well that it’s his choice whether or not he comes home on time or not. You are infuriated.

Your wife has racked up the credit card again. You asked her not to do it but she did it anyway. You have been fighting nonstop for over an hour and its getting you nowhere. You know you will need to pay it off again in a few months and you are infuriated.

You feel they are being unfair to you and you may feel it is your job to remind them of how miserable they are making you

Their behaviour is ruining your relationship; if they would only change it things would be different. It’s entirely their  fault! Ask yourself, is it really?

Was your life always like this? Probably not, things rarely start out bad but when negative relationship patterns emerge things tend to change.

When the relationship began you may have had a totally different perception on your relationship.  Usually when we begin the relationship everything is great. We respect each other, want to do things for each other, speak fondly about each other and think of ways to please each other.

When was the last time you did something absolutely unexpected for your partner? If it was recently was it something you wanted to do for them or something they actually would have wanted? Their is a key difference in the two, one is done for you the other for your partner.

If your relationship has gone from bad to worse try to think about what your role is. What are the motives behind what you say to your partner and is that showing through?

Drifa Ulfarsdottir CPC

Relationship Coach

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Copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2009

Feel free to use the full article as much as you want, I only ask that you include the signature above.

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Creating Successful Relationships part 3 of 11


The role we play in the relationship can have a marked effect on the success of the relationship itself. Ideally we should have a relationship that is equal in every way but this is very rare. There is usually one person in the relationship that is more dominant than the other. One person will be the social convener, the more outgoing of the two. The other person will be the quiet one, more reserved, more relaxed or easygoing. That’s why as they say opposites attract.

It is actually an interesting to think about. What would a relationship of two extremely social people look like? Would they ever slow down or would they both plan activities that alternate with each other. It could be a continual program consisting of activities, exercise, shopping, socializing and errands. On the extreme opposite would be a couple who rarely went out except to work, were very quiet and reserved. I am not saying that these scenarios are not fine just that usually we tend to choose a mate who complements us. I think it is a good idea to recognize what role we play in the relationship. Are you a captain, a nursemaid, a rebel, or a prisoner?

Picture this scenario. The captain holds the control of the ship. He is the person that makes sure there are enough supplies that the shipmates are not squabbling, that the injured are taken care of and the ship is always traveling safely to or from port. This would be the individual that takes care of things and if the ships mate has a problem the captain will take control and deal with it. He will call the insurance company and deal with the claim, plan the outings for the kids, set the rules and will ultimately feel responsible for the behaviour of his shipmates.

The nursemaid will constantly try to please everyone. She believes that in order to have people love you she must please them. She may complicate her life by not setting rules, boundaries and expectations. She may even encourage undesirable behaviour by seemingly ignoring it. If a situation arises that she does not like or will make her life seem less than perfect she will cover it up, look past it or pretend it does not exist. An example of this would be allowing children to stay up late because it is easier than wrestling them to bed or rewarding goods behaviour with gifts, ie buying their cooperation and love. It would also mean going out of your way to please your partner or even to please others. An example of this would be to apologize to the person who has left their trailer in your yard for the last year because it has become rusty, even though it has been an inconvenience to have it there. This could cause resentment in the relationship.

The rebel will do what they please when they please. They will basically ignore their partner’s needs and over protect their own. They go through life like a snowplough just pushing the snow out of the way. If they want to move they will do whatever is in their power to get it done. They can be oblivious to everyone around them and may not have very close relationships because they interfere with the whole concept of doing your own thing.

The prisoner mentality is complicated. On one hand the prisoner can be passive aggressive getting their way through the expense of others, On the other hand they can be the victim. They are always hard done by. Everyone else had it easier, they have bad luck, people are rude to them and they are always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Any problem others think they may have is imagined. If they drink to much then others drink to little, if they can’t get a job then it is because no one is hiring, if they lose their job it’s because their boss is a jerk and if their spouse is unhappy it’s because they are unreasonable or have unreasonable expectations.

Whatever your style or personality type you play a role in your relationship. Unless you analyze what it is you do to contribute to the unhealthy patterns in your life that bother you will find them always popping up again and again. Have you ever asked someone who has a broken relationship what they would do differently? If you did most of the time you would notice then saying that they would yell less, be more present, appreciate more and not take their partner for granted. What if we did exactly that, we loved more, did not take a moment for granted, called instead of waiting to be called, took responsibility for our role in the relationship, nurtured it and cherished our partner for all the good things they brought into our lives.

If the relationship broke up after all that what would you regret, if anything? Drifa Ulfarsdottir CPC Relationship Coach www.adateforsuccess.com This article is part of an 11 part series. To read the rest of the series or to receive the FREE 20 page Life Plan E-book sign up to become a member at A Date For Success. Copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2010

Creating Successful Relationships part 2


When creating successful relationships it is important to explore your role in the relationship. You need to to consider what your personal boundaries are and where you draw the line. Are you allowing the other person to go into your personal space or cross to your boundaries and then get angry at them for doing it?  If that is the case you should ask yourself who is responsible for enforcing your boundaries? Do you always respect the personal space of others and when you do not how do they react? Another important question to ask yourself is where are you coming from emotionally when you relate to the relationship you are  in? Are you coming from a place of insecurity or from a place of love? When you relate to other people are you often on the defensive? Do you feel safe in the relationship, can you trust the other person, and do you feel respected and loved? If you do not feel that you are in a relationship that has mutual respect, kindness and love you may feel insecure or disappointed or maybe even hurt. Self doubt may come into play at this point and begin to manifest itself in all kinds of behaviours. You may feel that the safety net that used to exist not longer holds you. You have to go elsewhere to feel safe, respected and loved. Anger is a frequent visitor and seems to be like a snake that strikes without any warning, unpredictable and deadly. You can see clearly the faults of the other individual, the obnoxious teen, the controlling parent or the spouse that is trying to drive you insane. You are as sure of this as you are that the sun will rise in the morning. The only thing missing is your part. The only thing missing is the part where you take responsibility for your feelings, actions and thoughts. Your feelings are powerful; they can control your actions, manipulate your mind and take over your life. They can even ruin a perfectly good relationship. I wrote an article about how ‘’You can fall in love with a serial killer but that doesn’t mean you should be with him’’ in that article you can see that feelings should not trump our intuition, our common sense or our rational mind. We can all find our way back from emotional confusion, anger and pain but it takes work. Don´t forget that every feeling you have had a thought attached to it. Think about where the anger and judgements that you have came from.

Drifa Ulfarsdottir CPC

Relationship Coach

www.adateforsuccess.com

This article is part of an 11 part series. To read the rest of the series or to receive the FREE 20 page Life Plan E-book sign up to become a member at A Date For Success.

Copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2009

Feel free to use the full article as much as you want, I only ask that you include the signature above.

Creating Successful Relationships part 1


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By the way the girl in this video is not me nor does she speak for me but lest face it she is pretty funny!

Creating succesful relationships can be really tough but there are some things you can do to increase the odds of your relationship working. I recently wrote an article which is part of an 11 part series on creating successful relationships Creating Successful Relationships Part 1 and in it I talk about how we can evaluate what kind of relationship we have. It is really common to carry the past relationship problems into the next relationship and to feel almost helpless in stopping it. It kind of reminds me of the first time as an adult you do or say something that is identical to what your mother or father would have said. It shocks you into realizing that it is inevitable to bring our past with us into our future. But is it really? I don´t think so. This is something that can be worked through coaching and dealt with quite efficiently if you are really interested in doing so. when we deal with what went wrong and identify why we did what we did we have a chance to change how we react the next time around. This can be a whole new beginning to your life. Nobody likes conflict, stress or misunderstandings but few of us really take the time to change tha root cause. That is why it is essential when creating successful relationships to look at al lthe angles, to be completely honest with yourself  and to be willing to look atyour part in the relationship..

Drifa Ulfarsdottir

Success Coach

copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2010

Getting over your ex. Five steps to feeling better.


Loosing someone you love, leaving them because you have no choice or having them leave you can feel like a death of a loved one. This can be especially painful if you had a very intense relationship or if you were together for a long time. Getting over your ex is not easy, it takes time and work. It may even feel like you are over it and have moved on but then you may discover one day after hearing they have moved on that you are nowhere near overLetting go of your ex can be one of the hardest things you do in your life. It can even be harder than making the decision to split up, or allowing yourself to move on with someone else, much harder than you ever imagined. It all starts the same way; you meet someone and you think that you have found someone special. You enter into a relationship with them and begin to plan your future. Time goes by and things are fine in the beginning but eventually things change. Relationships can be amazing things. Bliss, love, friendship and happiness until one day things begin to sour. You might try to fix what wrong, wait for a light bulb moment that will tell you what to do or just drive your partner so crazy they break up with you. The result is the same, it ends. The end of a relationship can be devastating for those involved. It has an effect on how you view yourself, what you thought was going to happen in the future and even your values. You may have believed your relationship would last or that you could make it work with willpower alone or that it was fate. You are stubborn, you don´t give up and will not give up, so why is this not working?  Even if you know the relationship was unhealthy, damaging even, it can still be difficult to let go. When the relationship ends you might go through a grieving process, you may become depressed or you might even feel relief or happiness that it is finally over.

Read the rest of the article…

Drifa Ulfarsdottir

www.adateforsuccess.com

Success Coach

Feel free to use this article as much as you want in its entirety, I only ask that you include the signiture above.

Copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir

Sometimes all you need is a great song.


I am sharing this link with you because I want to tell you a little story about it. A friend of mine introduced me to Shawn Mullins many years ago and I have never tiered of listening to him. This song in particular is one of my favorites, puts a tear in your eye. So listen and enjoy.

Don´t forget to look up and become a member at A Date for Success both on facebook and on the www just google it.

You can fall in love with a serial killer but that doesn’t mean you should be with him.


You can fall in love with a serial killer but that doesn’t mean you should be with him. 17. ágúst 2009 14:12 Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person? How can it be the wrong person if we are in love with them. Won’t that make everything alright? Absolutely not! You can fall in love with a serial killer but that doesn’t mean you should be with him. So how can you avoid falling in love with someone who is totally wrong for you? It is not as simple as it seems but I have come up with a few tips to help you in your search for your soul mate. Almost everyone has been in love at some point in their lives. If we are lucky, we have fond memories of falling in love but unfortunately it doesn’t always stay that way. Sometimes falling in love with the wrong person can be downright painful. Especially when love seems to come right out of left field and ambush you. Do you know that feeling? When you fall hard for someone who is not even close to being right for you. How about when you fall in love with someone who is not in love with you. Oh wait here is the killer you fall in love with someone who does nothing but make you feel bad. Sometimes the person we think is the one, our soul mate the love of our lives is the one person we should not be with. They may even be very nice, great in fact but just bring out the worst in us. Push our buttons, cause us to retreat into ourselves or behave in an unbecoming manor. What is with us? Why do we stay in these relationships and why on earth would we allow ourselves to get sucked in to this kind of situation. Why doesn’t the heart understand that falling in love is reserved for the right one, the soul mate, the ying to your yang not the wrong one, the” I am wasting my time” or the “used to be different” type of person. Definitely not the low down person you happen to be unlucky enough to meet on that unlucky day. There have been countless times when I have been chatting with a friend only to find out that they have fallen in love with the wrong person. They don’t always realize it. Sometimes they even seem to believe they are in love with the one, but always in the end whether it takes 2 weeks 2 years or 20 years they realize it. I often think about what it is we are doing wrong and how we can avoid this and here are my conclusions. #1 Watch out for red flags, just like stop signs they will still be there tomorrow. #2 Listen to what they say and actually hear it, you might just learn something of value that will shine some light on their personality. #3 Think with your head not your heart. You heard me! #4 Don’t beat a dead horse when you see patterns that you know are destructive accept it and move on. #5 Be honest with yourself, if everyone around you can see the problems maybe you just need to open your eyes and see it to. #6 Respect yourself, if that person is not at your level nothing will change that. #7 Realize that love should not be the deciding factor in a relationship. Because you can love a serial killer but that doesn’t mean you should be with him. So what can we do when love sneaks into our hearts like a snake in the grass causing us to fall in love with the wrong person. How about recognizing it, accepting it, learning from it and moving on. Get out and stay out. That’s right love hurts especially after a breakup, but it doesn’t have to hurt forever.

 

 Drifa Ulfarsdottir The Dating, Divorce and Destiny Coach

Helping you find the love you deserve today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life.

 www.adateforsuccess.com

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