Creating Successful Relationships part 3 of 11

The role we play in the relationship can have a marked effect on the success of the relationship itself. Ideally we should have a relationship that is equal in every way but this is very rare. There is usually one person in the relationship that is more dominant than the other. One person will be the social convener, the more outgoing of the two. The other person will be the quiet one, more reserved, more relaxed or easygoing. That’s why as they say opposites attract.

It is actually an interesting to think about. What would a relationship of two extremely social people look like? Would they ever slow down or would they both plan activities that alternate with each other. It could be a continual program consisting of activities, exercise, shopping, socializing and errands. On the extreme opposite would be a couple who rarely went out except to work, were very quiet and reserved. I am not saying that these scenarios are not fine just that usually we tend to choose a mate who complements us. I think it is a good idea to recognize what role we play in the relationship. Are you a captain, a nursemaid, a rebel, or a prisoner?

Picture this scenario. The captain holds the control of the ship. He is the person that makes sure there are enough supplies that the shipmates are not squabbling, that the injured are taken care of and the ship is always traveling safely to or from port. This would be the individual that takes care of things and if the ships mate has a problem the captain will take control and deal with it. He will call the insurance company and deal with the claim, plan the outings for the kids, set the rules and will ultimately feel responsible for the behaviour of his shipmates.

The nursemaid will constantly try to please everyone. She believes that in order to have people love you she must please them. She may complicate her life by not setting rules, boundaries and expectations. She may even encourage undesirable behaviour by seemingly ignoring it. If a situation arises that she does not like or will make her life seem less than perfect she will cover it up, look past it or pretend it does not exist. An example of this would be allowing children to stay up late because it is easier than wrestling them to bed or rewarding goods behaviour with gifts, ie buying their cooperation and love. It would also mean going out of your way to please your partner or even to please others. An example of this would be to apologize to the person who has left their trailer in your yard for the last year because it has become rusty, even though it has been an inconvenience to have it there. This could cause resentment in the relationship.

The rebel will do what they please when they please. They will basically ignore their partner’s needs and over protect their own. They go through life like a snowplough just pushing the snow out of the way. If they want to move they will do whatever is in their power to get it done. They can be oblivious to everyone around them and may not have very close relationships because they interfere with the whole concept of doing your own thing.

The prisoner mentality is complicated. On one hand the prisoner can be passive aggressive getting their way through the expense of others, On the other hand they can be the victim. They are always hard done by. Everyone else had it easier, they have bad luck, people are rude to them and they are always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Any problem others think they may have is imagined. If they drink to much then others drink to little, if they can’t get a job then it is because no one is hiring, if they lose their job it’s because their boss is a jerk and if their spouse is unhappy it’s because they are unreasonable or have unreasonable expectations.

Whatever your style or personality type you play a role in your relationship. Unless you analyze what it is you do to contribute to the unhealthy patterns in your life that bother you will find them always popping up again and again. Have you ever asked someone who has a broken relationship what they would do differently? If you did most of the time you would notice then saying that they would yell less, be more present, appreciate more and not take their partner for granted. What if we did exactly that, we loved more, did not take a moment for granted, called instead of waiting to be called, took responsibility for our role in the relationship, nurtured it and cherished our partner for all the good things they brought into our lives.

If the relationship broke up after all that what would you regret, if anything? Drifa Ulfarsdottir CPC Relationship Coach This article is part of an 11 part series. To read the rest of the series or to receive the FREE 20 page Life Plan E-book sign up to become a member at A Date For Success. Copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2010


Creating Successful Relationships part 2

When creating successful relationships it is important to explore your role in the relationship. You need to to consider what your personal boundaries are and where you draw the line. Are you allowing the other person to go into your personal space or cross to your boundaries and then get angry at them for doing it?  If that is the case you should ask yourself who is responsible for enforcing your boundaries? Do you always respect the personal space of others and when you do not how do they react? Another important question to ask yourself is where are you coming from emotionally when you relate to the relationship you are  in? Are you coming from a place of insecurity or from a place of love? When you relate to other people are you often on the defensive? Do you feel safe in the relationship, can you trust the other person, and do you feel respected and loved? If you do not feel that you are in a relationship that has mutual respect, kindness and love you may feel insecure or disappointed or maybe even hurt. Self doubt may come into play at this point and begin to manifest itself in all kinds of behaviours. You may feel that the safety net that used to exist not longer holds you. You have to go elsewhere to feel safe, respected and loved. Anger is a frequent visitor and seems to be like a snake that strikes without any warning, unpredictable and deadly. You can see clearly the faults of the other individual, the obnoxious teen, the controlling parent or the spouse that is trying to drive you insane. You are as sure of this as you are that the sun will rise in the morning. The only thing missing is your part. The only thing missing is the part where you take responsibility for your feelings, actions and thoughts. Your feelings are powerful; they can control your actions, manipulate your mind and take over your life. They can even ruin a perfectly good relationship. I wrote an article about how ‘’You can fall in love with a serial killer but that doesn’t mean you should be with him’’ in that article you can see that feelings should not trump our intuition, our common sense or our rational mind. We can all find our way back from emotional confusion, anger and pain but it takes work. Don´t forget that every feeling you have had a thought attached to it. Think about where the anger and judgements that you have came from.

Drifa Ulfarsdottir CPC

Relationship Coach

This article is part of an 11 part series. To read the rest of the series or to receive the FREE 20 page Life Plan E-book sign up to become a member at A Date For Success.

Copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2009

Feel free to use the full article as much as you want, I only ask that you include the signature above.

Creating Successful Relationships part 1


By the way the girl in this video is not me nor does she speak for me but lest face it she is pretty funny!

Creating succesful relationships can be really tough but there are some things you can do to increase the odds of your relationship working. I recently wrote an article which is part of an 11 part series on creating successful relationships Creating Successful Relationships Part 1 and in it I talk about how we can evaluate what kind of relationship we have. It is really common to carry the past relationship problems into the next relationship and to feel almost helpless in stopping it. It kind of reminds me of the first time as an adult you do or say something that is identical to what your mother or father would have said. It shocks you into realizing that it is inevitable to bring our past with us into our future. But is it really? I don´t think so. This is something that can be worked through coaching and dealt with quite efficiently if you are really interested in doing so. when we deal with what went wrong and identify why we did what we did we have a chance to change how we react the next time around. This can be a whole new beginning to your life. Nobody likes conflict, stress or misunderstandings but few of us really take the time to change tha root cause. That is why it is essential when creating successful relationships to look at al lthe angles, to be completely honest with yourself  and to be willing to look atyour part in the relationship..

Drifa Ulfarsdottir

Success Coach

copyright © Drifa Ulfarsdottir 2010

Misunderstandings in relationships.

Misunderstandings in relationships happen all the time. They show up when you least expect them . Often when things are going really well, or so you think. I think that the misunderstandings happen most often when you are in a relationships that is important to you. The more important the relationship the harder it is to sort out  the conflicts that are the root of the  misunderstanding. That’s not to say that casual relationships or friendships cannot have misunderstandings that can get heated. They definitely can. What is the root of these misunderstandings? Why do they come up. Why do they sometimes seem to grow bigger and bigger until they have a life of their own? I think it is because we are not listening carefully and other person does not hear what we are trying to tell them either. We think that when we talk, others are automatically listening. I mean, why not, everything we say is so interesting the whole world should listen, right? Wel,l even if they are listening, they may not hear what you think you said. That’s right, sometimes when we think we are being  clear we are not. The person listening to us hears what we are saying  through a filter. Their filter, not yours, so they wont necessarily hear what you said and form the exact opinion that you were hoping for. The closer the relationship the deeper the feelings of everyone involved. Feelings come from our thoughts so when we are confused, feel misunderstood or unheard our  feelings will be negative.  The more negative feelings we have, the less  likely we are to listen to what the other person is saying….Get my point?

So what can we do? Keep it cool, slow down, don’t let your feelings get in the way. But better yet just listen to others when they are talking to you. Repeat what they have said to you to make sure you have heard them correctly. When you are talking don’t assume people hears what you said. Remember, there is no universal truth, only your personal truth. Everyone has their own perception. So next time you have a misunderstanding in a relationship, instead of blaming, being angry or irritated step back and listen.

Drifa Ulfarsdottir The Dating Coach

Great Relationships

Relationships are very precious to us all. They are a necessary skill that we have to master in order to have fulfilling lives. We have relationships with everyone, our spouse, children, friends and the clerk at the grocery store. In each and every relationship we have a distinct way of communicating, that determines how successful the relationship is. When we have good rapport with someone, conversation really flows, and  we have a better relationship than if the conversation is filled with negative emotion, insecurity or accusations. The conversation does not even have to be obviously negative to bring down a relationship. All it needs is for it to not be supportive. Powerful communication is the key to great relationships. I recently heard about a great book called Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott. I think it´s a must buy because we can all improve our conversation skills. So then, how do we do that? We can begin with acknowledging each other. When we think about our past successes and past failures and reflect on what it is that differentiated the two, I think a lot of us would agree that the amount of acknowledgement we gave each other had a direct impact on the success of the relationship. If that is so, why don’t we acknowledge each other all the time? I mean, we all want to have powerful and successful relationships don’t we? Well, I think it has a lot to do with us not realizing what the other person needs in order to feel good. If we feel good when we are acknowledged,  why wouldn’t others feel good as well? So, if this is the case, what steps do we need to take now to begin making changes in our lives? The best way to improve your relationships is to acknowledge the person you are in the relationship with regularly. But how do you do that? You go to someone and say I want to acknowledge you for….. and then point out what it is that they have done that is impactful, meaningful or important. It doesn’t have to have anything to do with you, because it’s not about you. It is only about them and their accomplishments. Think about it. Look at your relationships with others. When was the last time you pointed out something nice about them? Acknowledged their sense of style, generosity or determination. How did it make you feel when you acknowledged them? How did they feel? Was it worth it and if so was why? Would you like to do it more often? I would like to challenge you to acknowledge everyone in your family this week and notice what kinds of feelings come up for you. Notice what you get out of it, and if it is something you think would improve your life if you did it regularly. There is one more thing I would like to challenge you to do. Look at your significant other and think of ways to acknowledge them. Do it today and tomorrow. In fact do it every day. Think about the karma you will be creating, the wonderful feelings and the communication that will open up from this little gesture that says so much. Try it and comment on this blog. Lets see if we can change our world just a little bit and you might just improve your relationships along the way.


Drifa the Dating Coach